29 April 2008

feeling a brand new feeling

in my experience, there aren't a whole lot of new feelings to feel after you've grown up. sure, i believe each experience is it's own, but routinely my life doesn't have a whole lot of brand newness in it. i know how it feels to feel a lot of things. which i have never given much thought to. until now.

for example, i know what it feels like to hold a piece of buttered toast, i know chocolate milk in a cold glass, i know corn on the cob between my teeth. i know the ocean waves slamming against my body, i know sand between my toes, i know the hot sun on my face, i know taking a shower with a sunburn. i know what a cold slab of marble feels like against my skin, i know cool grass and sizzling cement on my feet, i know cold rain on my head, i know soap in my eyes, and lemon in my wounds. i know mud in my hair and lotion on my legs. i know unsweetened baking squares in my mouth. i know gusts of wind and feeling winded. i know what it feels like to knead bread and sink my fingers into clay, i know paint on my hands, i know dried plaster on my arms. i know gum in my hair and floss in my teeth. i know the itch of chicken pox and the fear of a nightmare. i know the hurt of a high heel and the sparkle of a diamond. i know pierced ears and glossed lips. i know new york cheesecake and mom's rice pudding. i know the hug of a friend and the loss of a love. i know butterflies of a first kiss, the ache of a sad heart, the tug of a string. i know how it feels to feel elated with joy, to be surprised, to be disappointed, to laugh until i cry, to worry until i'm sick, to blush until i am red. i know forgetting my lines on stage and i know a standing ovation. i know the smell of my grandma's perfume and my dad's shoe polish. i know flying in an airplane and riding in a train car. i know views of the swiss alps and i know a baby sleeping on my shoulder.

i know how it feels to feel loved and to be in love.

i didn't appreciate all of these small feelings i've felt until i felt this new feeling for the very first time.

i never want to forget how incredible it feels to feel a little kick from the inside; saying hello. reminding me of the miracle growing inside. reminding me of the miracles that are all around me. reminding me of the miracle of new life and the miracle of my life. and how blessed i am.

when he kicks from the inside, i smile every time at this brand new feeling. and realize all the feelings he will have to look forward to. all the feelings i will get to teach him about; like finger painting on butcher paper and rolling cookie dough into shapes and blowing bubbles in the shade and jumping into salty waves of the pacific and learning how to sound out words on the page. i imagine the newness of how it feels to swing on a swing-set and sit on dad's knee and ride a horse and run a race and spit out watermelon seeds and see snowflakes fall and build blanket forts and hear the boom of fireworks. i want him to feel all of these feelings. because i want to give him the same thrill that his little kicks give me.


i already love him. he will always know the feeling of love.

39 comments:

emily frame !!! said...

geez- way to make a girl choke up!

whitney said...

wow, that was beautiful... thanks.

Librarian Lee said...

it was quite beautiful,I must agree with the others....I'm off to dry my eyes now; thank you for sharing that little bit of yourself.

Jane said...

beautifully put (as always - you have a way with words). i often tell my husband how important it is to me that my son knows he is loved, completely and without doubt. no regrets.

Dansie Family said...

those first kicks are the best feeling. even with the third babe at nine months, i still got giddy with each kick. just amazing to know we can create that.

Holly O. said...

You are on the cusp of so many new feelings!

100 Percent Cottam said...

if you think the kick is cool, wait 'til you realize that NEW love you feel for that baby. oh my, my it's something you have to experience to believe. it's an amazing, amazing thing, having a baby.

Angie said...

Such a beautiful post, thank you :-)

Lindsey said...

Dear M. Please remember that feeling when you have a foot jammed in your ribs. :) Beautiful post.

beck said...

you don't know me but i spy every once in awhile and . . . wow. you have a way with words . . . i'm all choked up too!

ismoyo said...

Thanks for sharing these thoughts with us. It makes me look forward to the day that maybe i too will feel a first kick from inside saying hello.

Estella Baker said...

Incredible. Thanks for those thoughtful words. I just got goosebumps...

Lisa said...

What a lovely, lovely post. The feelings for our little ones have an amazing newness. This first year with my sweet girl has been full of "firsts"...for both her and me.

I don't think I've ever commented, but I'm a daily reader...I really enjoy your blog!

all over the map said...

so beautifully put.
i never thought of all those feelings like that. it's interesting to reflect on all we have experienced in the way of feelings when you write it down and read it.
you are clever.
you are a gifted at expressing your feelings and relating them perfectly to the reader.
so much to be thankful for, i agree.
hard to imagine life not experiencing all the things we probably don't think about until a neat someone like you reminds us of just how special they all are.
it will be great to experience all of the wonders of living with your boy as he grows up.
xo

Krista said...

I loved this post and shared it with Ryan...i couldn't get through it without crying. So sweet, thanks!

cat said...

If there is one thing I want my kids to be able to say after it is all said and done, is that I loved them. What a beautiful way you have with words.

Cath said...

The amazing thing about parenthood is that you get another chance to see the world from brand new eyes again...their eyes.

You are going to be an amazing mommy...

Brooke said...

you know all those feelings but what's amazing is that you get to experience them again, anew, through your baby.

beautiful.

and congratulations.

nap girl said...

so beautiful marta ~ your words lift like no others :) ox kelley

KJ said...

I wish there were a way to bottle up that feeling of the first baby, still in it's belly nest. The flutter, the little punch, the little flip, the endless anticipation and indescribable joy. Experiencing life through the energy, sweetness, and wide-eyes of a child makes everything a bit more thrilling.

TravelinOma said...

It's pretty awesome every single time your kid, your very own child, experiences something brand new. It doesn't go away, even when they are busy having children of their own. I'm thrilled you're on this fabulous new roller coaster ride!

::Sylvia:: said...

It's such a blessing to be a mother! You will discover, along with them, more feelings than you ever imagined! You will learn to appreciate every breath. You will feel this way every time they discover something new (except for maybe when they color on the wall or serve toilet tea). Though even those times will make your heart smile...:) Congratulations! May God bless your family every step of the way!

jess said...

oh how i miss that....

Katie said...

great post...GREAT

dee said...

Remember- the days pass slowly and the years FLy by. Today my first born bought his very first home. He just called me so excited another feeling I dont think I have yet felt, oh there have been many proud moments and this is just one more. You just took me on a journey to that first moment when he said hello with a kick. A precious moment and there will be so very many more. Each and every moment is a gift. Don't miss a thing. WOW - just WOW - That was a take your breath away read..

thank you

nicole said...

thank you for this- for taking me on the journey of each of those feelings, and for sharing what it's like. i hope to have that feeling someday.

Carly said...

such a wonderful post- your words make me even more baby hungry.

Whatever Dee-Dee wants said...

I am pregnant too and I cant wait to feel the baby kick!

Christina said...

I know I say this all the time, but you write SO WELL. I love to read your words. And I'm so excited for you to be a mom. You will be so great!

love.boxes said...

This little piece should appear in the New York Times.. it was just perfect.

Megan said...

Here come the tears... that was beautiful.

Lorilee said...

I feel like you took the words right out of my mouth. But you said it better than I ever could.
I love this post....

d.Sharp said...

Put so beautifully, thank you.

michelle said...

Beautiful!

One Love Photo said...

This is such an amazing well written beautiful post! I had to email a link to all the women I know who were expecting. I guess I only know two at the moment. But it made both of them cry. Then I had to write about it on my blog. It is just so sweet. Makes me want to grow a baby and get kicked! Thanks for sharing your experience and your wonderful gift for writing!

theJorgies said...

My apologies for the blog-stalking comment, but this post is beautiful! I just gave birth to my second a little over a month ago, and I miss feeling that feeling. So grandly put - thanks.

summer said...

without a doubt, one of my favorite posts.
so beautiful and sincere.

sunshine517 said...

That was so beautifully put. I have a two month old son, and when you began writing of all the things you looked forward to doing together, the tears began flowing. I can't wait to do those things and more with my little one.

camandjanice said...

A friend sent me this post over two and a half year ago when I was pregnant with my second son. I have held onto it for this long because it is so beautiful and I always wanted to keep it and share it with him when he was older. I am finally printing it out to put in his baby book. I just had to say how much it still moves me - even though my son is now almost three.

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