18 July 2010

unnamed



i have been intentionally moving forward with my blog to feel normal again–to gear my routine back into speed–after our traumatic event. unintentionally leaving most of you in the dark about why i was so blue a few weeks ago. thank you for being so caring and patient. the truth is, i haven't felt like writing about it. while simultaneously feeling like i must put the pen to the page and write about my experience before i forget the details. forgetfulness is my weakness. i am pulled in separate directions when it comes to expressing myself. like right now, i wonder if the blog is the best place to put my feelings and yet i feel i must put my experience out there. i hadn't yet publicly announced that we were expecting baby number two, so it might've been easier to churn forward without saying a word. but that would've felt completely artificial to me. i want to share my personal story because it matters. i never thought i'd be dealing with this. i wish i had more resources to turn to; more kindred spirits with similar stories. now i realize, many of you have gone through this too and have written me words of comfort. like the time i was suddenly having an unplanned c-section to deliver my first born, certain situations come into your life without any preparation or forethought. i hope i can help someone in a similar situation to not feel so alone. thank you for your understanding as i stumble through this humbling experience and unfold the aftermath of our loss.

like any story, this one has a thousand more pages that i cannot yet read. the pages seem to be folded tightly against each other and i leaf through them slowly, only to find a new lump in my throat at each fold. i am beginning to understand how something so small can be greater than the sum of its parts. i share bits of this story because i feel i cannot not share this story. i want to remember this and document it. the only thing i crave right now is to remember that little heartbeat; to honor its existence.

a few months ago we collected seashells from the shores of california and brought them home to benji's little cousins. the excited children surrounded us and we unwrapped shells one by one, explaining there was one shell for each child. bewildered, someone noticed there was one extra seashell. smiling with our secret, we told my family that we had great expectations and a happy announcement. a new baby would be joining our family! a new cousin in the club. a new sibling for benji. a new soul of sunshine.

the familiar anticipation filled our lives. the dog-eared pregnancy books piled on the nightstand, doctor appointments lined up, lists of baby names on random slips of paper, week-to-week emails calculating the baby's development, a checklist of healthy foods pinned to the fridge, and unearthed maternity clothes from storage boxes. everyone i saw seemed to be pregnant too. even in the blogging world. i was delighted to be in the club. i wondered how it would be to have two tiny ones in our home. i wondered how benji would like having a bundled up baby join our family in early december. i wondered how i could be a good mama to him and multiply my love adequately for a new member of the family. we felt so blessed. i could just imagine that holding this new baby would warm up our winter perfectly. i dreamt of the new addition and loved knowing a little angel was growing inside me.

dan and i held hands through the first ultrasound as we saw our little babe. the baby squirmed and wiggled. the doctor said the heartbeat sounded strong and all looked perfectly normal. we decided early on that we would wait and be surprised; i wondered aloud if i'd be able resist and really wait the nine months to find out the gender. i thought it would be like an early christmas surprise to hear the doctor shout out what it was. we hung that first ultrasound photo up and celebrated with scoops of ice cream in ramekins that night.

at sixteen weeks along, symptoms suddenly arose and i felt something was not quite right. the doctor did not seem too worried; still he scheduled me in for an appointment the next day. i cried myself to sleep that night. after an agonizing wait in the waiting room–full of glowing mothers-to-be–i knew deep down that we had lost the baby. i hoped and prayed i was wrong. i worried that i was being so terribly pessimistic. it is not like me to prepare for the worst. it is not like me to feel that things are not as they should be. i prayed our baby would still be healthy, strong and on its way. the second ultrasound showed no fluttering heartbeat, no movement. i knew. and i cried. and cried and cried. at this point, it started to seem like a nightmare, one of those dreams you try to wake yourself up from. terms like fetus demised and massive hemorrhage were used to describe what was once living and growing inside of me. my whole body hurt with sadness. i didn't want it to be true. all our planning and excitement and giddiness was shattered. i felt empty and horrible inside. i wanted to curl up in a cave and hibernate.

my kind doctor attempted to comfort me; telling me it was nothing i did to cause this loss. he explained how common miscarriages are, giving me percentages of pregnancies that never reach full term. what i was feeling was anything but common. i felt like a failure. my doctor was surely trying to give me a glimmer of hope, but i was simply horrified that this was what common felt like. my mind filtered through all the women i'd ever heard about who'd suffered a loss like mine. dozens of names came to mind including my mom, my grandma, friends, co-workers and others close to me. if only i had known what they'd gone through. i was now apart of another club. a club of women who suffer silently through the difficulties of miscarriage. miscarriage. the word sounds so ordinary, so over-used, so absolutely opposite to the pain and tragedy of the event itself. the word holds nothing of the sadness i feel. i guess that's just it; when people say they have no words, they really mean it. because no words can begin to describe the complexities of emotion during a time like this. for the next several days, i just wanted to wake up. i am slowly facing the realities of the situation, but i still wish that we were on the sunny side. i wish i were still pregnant and having a baby before christmas. i wish i was feeling kicks and acrobatics from the inside. i wish i could know the unknown and tell myself everything will work out. i am realizing that having real faith takes more work than i once knew. i walked out of the waiting room full of expecting mothers. i was no longer one of them.

when something sad hits you, you are never quite prepared. sad events have occurred previously in my life, yet still i feel nothing can prepare you for another sadness to hit. a fresh wound still bleeds. no one gave me a manual to miscarriage. no one could tell me of the toll it would take on my body, or the ache in my soul, or the sad look in my husband's eyes. no one prepared me for the weight of worry while i was in the waiting room that day. no one prepared me for the reminders around every corner that yank at the heartstrings with whisperings of loss. and no one prepared me for what was still to come.

i needed people more than i once thought i might. surprisingly, i was eager to talk and express my feelings. however much i wanted to deny the truth, saying it aloud helped me face the reality of our loss. my closest relatives and friends dropped what they were doing to listen to me and cry with me. these are the moments and the people you are forever thankful for. their hearts were open and they seemed to let me climb right in, giving me precious encouragement and advice. they soaked in my emotions and made me feel alright about being so sad. a part of me felt silly about being so emotional and dramatic after such a seemingly common experience. my sisters advised me to be sad for awhile, to not force myself to be happy for others, to be okay with feeling the deepness of my loss. i am still thinking of their words as my tilted hormones, sadness and tears come and go, as if keeping a strict schedule of ups and downs.

a couple of days later, what was once just awful news turned into something very real. after major labor pains, my water broke and the bad got worse. i'll spare you the details. (keep in mind, not every miscarriage has to be a medical emergency. my advice is to get to the hospital sooner than later.) soon, but not soon enough, it was all over. it is unbelievably sad to be wheeled past the nursery windows at the hospital with no baby. i look back on those few days and they are stacked with intense sadness.

throughout the ordeal, my burdens felt heavier than i could handle. but i have always known that God does not give us challenges without accompanying it with adequate strength to bear it. this was another opportunity to lean on the truths i so deeply believe in. i know God has a plan for us. i know He loves me. i know He understands my potential, my strength and the work i am to do in this life. these challenges and trials will whittle me into who i need to become. if only i will trust in Him and keep on doing the right thing, i know he will guide me into greener fields. i know He will lead me, guide me, walk beside me when there is rough terrain ahead. i'll never forget waking up the next morning; a day that i was fearful to face. that miraculous morning i woke up with a new sense of peace. my insides felt quiet instead of empty. my heart felt full instead of broken. i felt blessed instead of bruised. i know God sent me comfort and stillness to remind me of His infinite wisdom and love.

i am richly blessed with caring individuals surrounding me. so many have reached out and have been incredibly thoughtful. dan has been endlessly loving and helpful and amazing throughout the entire ordeal. i realize this loss is great in our lives but small compared to trials others experience. my eyes are starting to open, and i have had a small peek at what grief feels like. i feel so deeply for those who deal with ongoing trials or suffer from losing a loved one. i am in awe of those who still manage to see the sunshine through their grey-skied challenges. i am inspired by them. i am striving to move forward with more love in my heart and greater understanding and empathy. i know with trial comes knowledge, strength, sympathy, renewed gratitude and a deeper trust in God.

july 13. 2010
marta dansie

177 comments:

{natalie} said...

marta, i am always inspired by you. your words are powerful and meaningful. much love to you.

Heather said...

I'm so sorry for your lose.

Seems like such an inadequate
phrase for what your going through. Remain strong.

AmberLee said...

oh marta. my heart breaks for you. you are a mother, and an incredible one, which is so clear from every word you write. i am praying for you and your sweet family.

Christina said...

Such a heartbreaking experience so beautifully penned. I can so relate to your words about trials. You are a gem, Miss M, becoming ever better through the refiners fire. My prayers for you that the feelings of peace and a full heart will carry you through the grey days.

Anonymous said...

This is a beautifully-written account of a tragic event, Marta. Thank you for sharing. I am so deeply sorry for your loss. If it helps to know that others understand how you are feeling, I am also a miscarriage survivor (though mine was an early one). My heart truly breaks for you that you had to endure this loss in the second trimester (after so many hopes and dreams and plans had surely taken on such clearly defined shapes). I am so sorry. As you pointed out, there are no right words to discuss the feelings surrounding this event, and likewise, the words of comfort I wish to offer also feel inadequate. All I can say is that I understand and that I am SO SORRY. Much love and peace and hugs to you, Marta. I promise a return to happiness is on the horizon; it just might take a while to reach it and I hope you'll take as long as you need. Lots of love.

Lydia said...

Dear Marta,
I am so sorry for your loss and sadness. Like Heather, I too feel that this is inadequate. You are blessed and God's plans for you and your family will work themselves out. Have faith! You are loved.

Janet said...

Marta, thank you for sharing such tender feelings. I am so sorry. I wish you and your sweet family much healing in the days ahead.

Hil said...

Oh Marta, you have me in tears. Thank you for sharing your experience, thoughts and faith. You are such a strong woman and a dear friend. Your words are so absolutely perfect and beautiful.

My heart broke all over again when I heard this news, almost like we had received news of losing our Michael again. You are still in my prayers, along with your sweet little family, that you will find comfort. Sending you lots of hugs.
-Hil

Marisa said...

Oh Marta. Kudos to you for having the courage to share your story with us. I'm positive that talking, talking, and more talking will help your healing process. And by talking about it here, you will help others, as well. Thank you.

@MorganDayCecil said...

Marta,

I'm a new visitor of your blog, and I wasn't aware of the tragedy that happened to you and your family. I discovered you via your post written about basic photography tips and fell so in love with your style and grace and openness that I told my readers about you in my last newsletter as someone whose blog has caught my eye.

Now I adore you even more, my heart breaking with you. Never before had I heard the story of a miscarriage like this. You are right it is a horribly "common" term and we don't adequately feel the weight of it.

Thank you for your courage to share what must burn with pain inside of you.

Thank you for also holding on to Hope and Faith and Trust in God, and choosing to believe that God is still there and He is still Good. You have no idea how the strength of that choice will reverberate out and help others in their own healing.

Holding you and your family in my prayers,
Morgan

Mel said...

Marta,

I know of your pain, I know of your loss, I have experienced it three times. It was very difficult and it felt like the loss of my innocence as well. You writing expresses the pain and the grief, keep writing about your experience, it will help. I always have three angels on my wall somewhere in my home to remember my lost angels.

I am thinking of you and your family...

Leah said...

oh marta. I don't know you but my heart aches for you. I'm so sorry for you and your family. you write so beautifully about your pain. thinking of you.

Christie said...

I am so sorry to hear of your loss, sending thoughts and prayers to your family.

Kristi @ Creative Kristi said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I don't know your pain & I don't know you but please know this: I am thinking of you and I hope you find a way to commemorate your little angel who instead of knowing Earth will only know Heaven.
Thoughts, love & hugs,
Kristi

Mr. & Mrs. H. said...

hi marta, i hope you are feeling a little better for getting your story out. i know i did when i wrote more. like you, i experienced the same lost just 3 months ago with our first pregnancy. it was tough. it still is. my prayers are with you.

Justin + kelly said...

I am so sorry for your loss. You and your beautiful family are in our thoughts and prayers.

Heather @ Alis Grave Nil said...

I am so sorry for your loss. Though I lost my baby earlier in my pregnancy, I can identify with everything you wrote. It was hard for me that nobody seemed to know how to react to the loss. Many people said nothing rather than choosing something that might not be quite right. I was also unprepared for the painful physicalities of the experience. I wish you peace and healing--and your sisters are correct that you should take time and feel this as you need to. I'm so sorry this happened to you. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your whole family.

EliseBlaha said...

thinking and praying for you, Dan and Benji. love and peace.

Diane said...

I know what you are going through. Sorry doesn't seem sufficient.

country girl said...

Dearest Marta,

Ever since losing our baby last fall, I know that there is not much anyone can say to make you feel better. I found the only comforting thought to be that my baby was deeply loved every day of it's life. So was yours.

I still can't write or think about it without crying, and there are many milestones that will keep the pain returning anew...your first period after the miscarriage, mother's day, father's day, friends and acquaintances having their babies around your due date, and especially your own due date. I just had mine on July 5th, and it was one of the most heartbreaking things not to have my baby in my arms on that day. It's also such a quiet pain, because no one besides you and your husband will probably remember the significance of dates like that, or think that these would be so difficult to bare.

You ARE the mother of two children now; one of them is a star in the sky now. Here in Austria, babies who leave the earth before ever being born are called 'Sternenkinder,' or Star Children,' because they become a star, looking down on you and your family.

We keep the ultrasound photo of our baby in a frame along with other family photos, and gave our baby a name. These were important steps for us, and I can imagine they would be healing for you, too.

I am always here if you need to talk or connect with another woman who went through this. I met a few very special women through my blog when I posted about my loss who went through the same thing, and it was a bit of comfort to know people who understood what I was feeling.

Sending you love, strength, and HOPE.

Dawn.

lucinda said...

my dear sweet marta.

my heart aches for you. as you know, there really are no words.
but know that i am thinking of you, sending you love, peace and healing.

i am here of you need to talk.
xoxo
lucinda

ShellyDee said...

Marta I am so very sorry for you and your families loss. I suffered through a miscarriage in September-I have amazing twin sons that just taxed my kidneys too much and my body can no longer support a pregnancy. It was my darkest hours. Losing our baby and losing the dream of ever having another baby.
Many prayers to you for peace and comfort in such a difficult time. I admire your strength to write about what you went through and I know many will benefit from your moving words.

caitlin said...

{through tear stained eyes}

The sentence..

God does not give us challenges without accompanying it with adequate strength to bear it.

..is one of the most inspiring, and deep things I have read in a long time.

Thank you for that.

Marta,

I am so sad for you and your loss. But I admire you for your strength. You are strong, for so many reasons, one being this incredibly raw and heartfelt post.

Please let me know if there is anything I can do. Anything at all.

Much love,

xo, Caitlin

Sam said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I have lost 4. Take comfort in knowing that you have a baby waiting for you in the next life. You will get to raise that child. The Lord truly is aware of your pain, allow Him to take the burden. You are not alone.

Eeny said...

Marta, I am so sorry.
I hope your beautifully written words helped you within the process of healing. I have tears running down my cheeks and have no words. But I want to let you know that you are in my thoughts.
Sending you love and hugs.

Julie b said...

I'm so sorry for the loss you and your family have experienced. Sending up prayers for His support as you navigate this unfamiliar time in your lives.

fairlytypical said...

Oh Marta, darling I am so sorry for your loss. You are so strong and brave to write this. I am near tears.

A dear friend of mine recently went through this experience and she was shattered. It took her some time but with faith and a very strong and loving group of family and friends she is beginning to heal.

I wish you the best Mart and you, your family, and the little one are in my thoughts and prayers.

amy turn sharp of doobleh-vay said...

I am saying prayers from Ohio to you right now. I am so sorry for this loss for you and your family. Please know you have a large source of love out here to reach out to- many prayers and well wishes xo

Mark + Tiffany said...

Oh Marta, I don't know you, but I am crying for you. Knowing that others have experienced this pain doesn't always make it easier. <3 <3 <3

Tori said...

I am so sorry this happened to you. Please add my voice to the chorus wishing you and your family love and peace in the days to come.

kelly said...

dear marta...i have been waiting for your post and although i had a strong feeling of what was to come i wish you didn't have to be writing it with all my heart. it brought back memories for me and i wish i could give you a hug. i truly am so sorry for you and for dan and benji...for the loss you have had to bear. your words fill me with wonder at your strength and sheer honesty. you are a remarkable girl! with healing wishes and love x

Jo said...

I am so, so sorry that you're going through this. It's a horrible ordeal that no one and nothing can ever prepare you for, as I know all too well myself. My miscarriages were all in the first trimester - it must be so much worse after actually having seen your baby and felt him.

You WILL get through this. Remember that God doesn't just have a plan for you - He is supporting you and carrying you both through this.

Looking at the quote in your last post - don't keep yourself too busy all the time. Give yourself time, be kind to yourself.

Thinking of you and praying for you,
Jo

marisa said...

it's inspiring that you're allowing this tragic event to lead you to a deeper faith in the One that sustains us. thank you for your courageous words.

You Are My Fave said...

There's not much I can say. I'm sorry that you have had to experience such heartache and hope that the comfort of the Lord will be with you.

...love Maegan said...

I'm sorry for your loss. The feeling of failure is mutual ...however, you at least got pregnant and have another child. Faith doesn't put a baby in your belly ...unless it's immaculate conception. I wish I could believe "God" has something to do with it all ...but that just doesn't make any sense to me when I think about all the people who have no business being mothers but get pregnant on the first try. There is no rhyme or reason.

I hope you find peace in this difficult time and get pregnant again & bear a healthy bundle of joy in 9months.

Jessica said...

Oh I am so sorry for your loss. I don't know what it is to loose a child but I know the hardship of feeling so low and so sad nothing seems to be of comfort even though you know He has it all worked out. Blessings to you and your family through this difficult time. You'll be strong and make it through. We struggle with infertility and some days are bad but most days are good. Best wishes. *Hugs*

MakingTime said...

Blessings upon you and your family. I lost my second pregnancy as well, and I agree very much with your shock that all the aspects of this experience is "normal".

Our daughter's safe birth a year later was very healing (though it was an anxious year), but I still find myself half expecting her to just disappear sometimes!

I understand that feeling of failure. Or maybe embarrassment? It's crazy, but it's there. All you can do is give yourself time and love.

100 Percent Cottam said...

marta, i'm so, so sorry. as always, you put it all so eloquently. hugs to you.

Daisy said...

I am sorry for your loss. Thank you for being so open and honest. I look to you as an example of being so straightforward and honest in your writing. Although it may hurt to put it on paper, you are blessing so many to be able to learn from you and your experiences...as well as generations to come who will know what their mother and grandmother thought, felt, and knew.

XO

brittani c. said...

Marta, you don't know me but we were in the same stake in Salt Lake growing up. Your story really touched me; I am so, so sorry. I remember when you announced your pregnancy on your blog with Benji on Valentine's Day. After reading it, I cried my eyes out because the day before, I miscarried my first pregnancy. I thought to myself, "that was supposed to be me" because I had planned to make that same Valentine's announcement after my doctor appt. The pain of the loss was very fresh and it took some time to heal from it. It didn't help at the time that almost everyone around me was expecting and already had other children--it was a constant reminder of what I didn't have. Although I found out I was pregnant again 5 mo. after miscarrying, I still found myself thinking about that first pregnancy. I see the darling photos you post of Benji and remember that is how old mine would have been.
There is no right way in dealing with loss, but I know that in time, sorrow is replaced with sweetness. Never think that somebody else has a more difficult situation than you do...it is your trial and it is difficult for you. I agree with your sisters' advice and that 'miscarriages' (they will always 'babies' to us) are so hard no matter whether they are 'common' or not.
What you wrote was beautiful; thank you for sharing this experience with all of us. Writing and talking about it was cathartic for me too. I think you are such a sweet and wonderful person.

Hannah said...

My heart is breaking for you, Marta. I've gone through a miscarriage myself, as I've told you before. It is a horrible, terrifying experience. I am so glad for the gospel. The plan is perfect.

So happy that you have such wonderful family and friends. I'll be thinking and praying for you, sweet Marta.

{amy k.} said...

i have never been pregnant and can not relate to your loss, however i can relate to heartache and pain. it's amazing the strength we are given through times of trial, and to know the Lord has a plan for each of us. i am so sorry for your saddness and pain. you'll be in my prayers.

Stephanie said...

Hugs...many, many hugs!

allison said...

thank you so much for writing this down. so many women quietly grieve, and i am so proud that you are giving the world a taste of this truth.

i love you. always.

holtkamp said...

marta, so sorry for your loss. i haven't had any similar experience but i can imagine the heartache.

Efrat K said...

Hello, Marta.
I'm an eighteen-year-old girl from Israel. I just read your post and it made me cry and cry. I had to stop while reading to go to the other room to fetch some tissues. I don't know what to say exactly, but I'm sure hugs will help so hug yourself for me. I'm wishing you lots and lots of happiness, smiles, laughter, good friends and magical memories. <3 <3 <3

Travelin'Oma said...

Beautiful.

Barb @ getupandplay said...

Dearest Marta,

I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your tender feelings and words, I know they will help someone else as I hope they are helping you.

All my love,

Barb

Jill said...

thank you for sharing your thoughts on something so intensely personal and emotional. i can only imagine how difficult this must have been. i sincerely wish you and your family all the best...hugs to you!

Abby said...

What a beautiful brave post. Please know I have thought of you often over the last few weeks. I can't even imagine what you must have gone through and felt. I hope your words help others having the same experience. Love you

Phoenix Peacock said...

Thank you for penning this. As heart breaking as my miscarriages were, they were early ones and we hadn't even told our families yet... I can't imagine what you and your family is going through. I encourage you to continue to take the time and grieve in whatever form is right for you, continue to find the time to self soothe, continue to be true with where you are and how you feel. It was an honor to read this. And I cried from the start - I think it was even helpful for me to realize we need to not rush trying to move on.

Chris said...

Writing about a tragedy...especially one that is so personal and often hidden, helps to make it real in our minds. I have three babies in heaven myself. I still need to talk about them periodically because they are real, they did have a heart beat and blood in their veins. Thank God for the Plan of Salvation and our Savior Jesus Christ.

Thank you for sharing your sorrow. It validates similar experiences for other women. I know the Lord loves you and will continue to bless you and your family.

Katie H said...

Marta, I am so sorry. You are a wonderful mother - that is evident - and you will be again to other children. But I am sorry for your loss & sorry for the heartbreak you feel right now. I am also thankful for your testimony - it has strengthened mine & I am so thankful to have stumbled on to your blog once upon a time. You have uplifted & inspired me more than you know. My prayers are with you & your family at this time. These words seem so inadequate & awkward, but I hope you realize how much people love you.

oneordinaryday said...

My sister and I both miscarried during our first pregnancies, and ever since then she has adamantly maintained a faith that you should absolutely shout your joy to the world. And if that joy should turn to heartache, those people who celebrated with you will become those who hold you up.
Prayers for you and your family.

Hillary said...

oh dear. . .i am SO very sorry for your loss. . .such inadequate words for such a tragic event. . .i hope you find comfort and solace in your online friends that are here, reading your words, imagining your pain, and sending you warm thoughts and prayers.

Hillary

kristin said...

i'm so sorry marta. what a hard thing. you've written about it beautifully, which i'm sure you and your children will be grateful for one day.

Linn said...

Dear Marta. I can only imagine what you are going through, hoping to never have to experience it myself. I'm glad you are finding strength in God and surrounding yourself with love at this time.

Mommy Cracked said...

I am so very sorry, Marta. I know this was painful to write, but thank you for sharing this with us.

Christy Cropper Photography said...

Love to you and yours, dear marta!

Kim Jorde said...

I am so, so sorry for your loss Marta. Thank you for letting us peak into your life in this difficult time. Prayers and lots of love to you and your family.

lindsalita said...

You are so real, that's why I love to follow your blog. Thank you for being an inspiration on so many levels.

Melissa said...

Oh, Marta. I may not know your story exactly, but I have shared similar pain. Thank you for sharing your story and opening the curtain on an oft-unspoken topic. God's peace be yours, little by little, day by day.

KaylaDanielle said...

I wish so bad that I could wrap you in a great big hug right now, but since thats not possible I am praying so hard for God to comfort you. Stay strong Marta!

Lissa said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. You all are in my prayers.

Abby said...

Thank you for sharing your story. I'm sure it speaks to so many women who have had similar experiences. My prayers are with you.

Kiasa said...

Thank you for sharing your heart so publicly. There are no words to express the feeling of such loss. Most of my friends didn't know about my loss until long after my next baby was born. I had felt so broken for so long. Looking back I'm amazed at how near God was to me at the time.

You are amazing and you will feel whole again through the love of God!

Erica said...

marta:
thank you so much for sharing this. i look up to you more than you will ever know.
you are a good mama.
sending love & peace your way.
xoxo

Ginna said...

Marta,
so so hard to write. i went through this and couldn't write a word about it--and was only half as far along as you.
anyway, what i really want to say is thanks for writing and sharing and expressing yourself. i wish i had.
each thing like this we experience gives us the capacity to understand other's burdens and trials more, i just pray and work that i can use that stuff to become more compassionate.
may you continue to have peace in your heart and feel heavenly father's love!

heather said...

i lost my baby at 16 weeks too. it was so hard. i searched out all the information i could, i searched for others who had been through it...i still felt very alone. know that you are not alone and allow yourself to fully grieve. praying for continued support for you and for peace...

Kelly said...

Thank you for sharing. I lost three of my beloved children -- July 8, 1998, December 8, 1997 and March 23, 1997. I miss those babies still today. But I never journalled my story, my grief, my memories, my love... I wish so much I had. As you said, the memories fade. But I do remember what may have been the saddest moment: I had to return to the maternity ward to get my Rh shot and leaving without a baby was heart-wrenching.

You are in my prayers.

sheila said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
sheila said...

am sorry, very sorry, for your loss.
I can't imagine how you are feeling, for I have never gone through something like that. But I have gone through the feelings of comfort and hope with God, family and friends. I pray they are with you.
Smile.

Johanna said...

My heart breaks for you Marta. For what you have gone through, it is one the hardest things a mother has to face. Sadly, I am part of the club too...it's not a nice club to have to join. I'm so very sorry for yours and Dan's loss.
Thank you for sharing your story with your readers, it will mostly likely help someone at some point.
You have been in my thoughts.

katie said...

Oh Marta,
Thank you so much for sharing with us; I truly admire your courage and honesty.
I am so sorry for your loss. Just as you said it, I completely sensed the "deepness of [your] loss." That is exactly what it is.
Having been through the all-too-similar experience, I can understand the ups and downs of emotions, and particularly that ache in your heart. Oh that ache! But I hope you don't mind me sharing something my mom shared with me. She said this experience -- called miscarriage -- is a very merciful thing by our Heavenly Father. It's a way He allows one of his little children to come to this earth and gain a body, yet not have to endure the trials and challenges of this life. It is an evidence of the love he has for each of us, even before we come to this earth.
Though this seemed completely unmerciful to me at the time, I finally realized this wasn't about me. It was about this baby. His/her journey in this life was successfully fulfilled.
And now I'm learning that that's what being a mom really is all about: Helping our child(ren) fulfill their missions on earth. And you did that.
You're a good mama, Marta. I'm thinking of you and hope you continue to feel that peace, quiet and fullness.

Connor's Mom said...

Marta - You are such an amazing woman. Thank you for your courage and willingness to share this incredible story. I know just want you are going through. I have a 2 1/2 year old son and also suffered the pain and disappointment of a miscarriage this past March. Just know that you are a not alone. Benji is one lucky boy to have you for his Mommy. Thank you for sharing your story. I will say a prayer for you and your family tonight. Thoughts and Kindness - Jennie

Jordan and Jandee said...

I thought this entry was poetic and insightful, as I've come to expect with you, especially as I'm sure this experience was no small heartache to write about and explore. You have such grace about you -- hope you are feeling more on the mend each day.

Meg said...

Marta - I'm so sorry that you had to go through this. It is so heartbreaking to lose a baby this way. I don't think that it matters when you lose the baby, it's still just as hard. You have so many hopes and dreams, adding this little one into your life, your whole future changes with the addition of this little one... and then suddenly it's all gone. I'm sorry that you have to go through this pain.

One thing that I've learned having gone through this myself (one at 12 weeks and another at 21 weeks) is that it's okay to feel bad about it. It is a loss and even though others don't really understand the pain of it, don't discredit yours. The connection between a mother and a child really does form so early on and you have lost someone who was very special and dear to you. Take your time.

I hope that your heart will heal and that good things will come your way soon. I believe that the sweet things in life become so much sweeter after you have experienced pain like this. Hang in there.

Meg

mandiegirl said...

Marta(& Dan & Benji)-

I am so sorry for your loss. So, SO sorry.

Hugs & prayers for you.

Karen said...

Marta, I am a newer reader. You wrote such beautiful words. I am sorry that you are a part of the club. I would wish no one to be a part of it. I too lost 4 after I had no problems with my first two. Three of those were in the second trimester. The last one was 6 years ago already. All I can say is that you do what you need to do to survive and some day be better for your experience. There is no right way to grieve. Ask for help when you need it. Name your beautiful baby. Although I will never forget, I am a better, stronger and more compassionate person because of my experiences. I have found peace and I pray that for you. You will find there are so many more in the club than you ever expected.
Hugs. Karen G

Chana said...

Boy oh boy do I pray this comment isn't lost in the sea of comments you have recieved. I was sent to your blog by Mother Lode (camille) who is a follower on my blog. I just posted about our 10 week old baby we lost....this last Tuesday. I miscarried Tuesday night and I have been in a sea of despair ever since. Reading this post has helped me more than you know. I am in this icky, sad, horrible place as I type this. I'm SO sorry for your loss, this is an event I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy and I'm grateful for other bloggers like you who are brave enough to post about it. If you care to hear my story, you can find me at www.mammatown.blogspot.com
I pray for your family and am touched by your beautiful tribute to your unborn darling.

Anneliese said...

thank you for sharing. i appreciate you realness. i'm so glad to know that you & your husband can be comforted to know that God has a plan...even if you can't see it now. if ever. i will pray for continued peace.

Trina Curran said...

Oh, bless you and your little one. My husband and I have lost one too. One day, we will see him/her in Heaven. One day.

Ashley said...

I am so sorry Marta! This was such a beautiful post and I'm so glad you shared it. Miscarriage seems like such a silent, mysterious trial and I hate that women have to go through it so silently sometimes. I like your sisters' advice to take all the time you need to feel sad. Your loss is real (as you well know) and you deserve time to mourn. I'm so sorry you had to go through this!

RachelDenbow said...

I had a feeling this was your sadness when I read your original blue post. I lost our second baby and was so taken care of emotionally by the support from women online. I never knew it was shared by so many.

I'm hopeful for you that healing will be swift and that good news will meet you again.

brooke said...

This was so beautifully written and I'm so glad you will have this written down forever. I think it is important to write about our trials on our blogs (even though they are personal) because it helps others, and a blog is nothing, if not personal.

You are right--when the Lord gives us trials, he strengthens us to be able to withstand them.

You are amazing and I have no doubt that you this will make you stronger. Thanks for sharing this. It was beautiful and heartbreaking and I wish I could just give you a hug.

I missed seeing you in SV. Sam said he ran into you and Dan. I was jealous.

ANGIE MILLAR said...

Oh Marta that is so sad for you and your family. I am sitting here all the way in New Zealand and wish I could give you a big hug. Lots of love and hugs xx

jessieasjune said...

Marta,
There are no words I can write to take away your pain right now or to lessen how you feel. I can relate to your story in some ways, but I know that cannot smooth away the sorrow you are feeling right now. Your courage in telling this story is an unbelievable demonstration of your strength, beauty and love as a human being and because of you, the world is a better place. I can only pray for you and send you my deepest and most sincere condoloences right now. I pray for you to heal from this, I pray for your baby, I pray for your family and for you to have everything you need to get through this. Thank you for writing this, for sharing this. I am thinking of you and while you and I have never met, I am feeling your loss and grieving along with you. God bless you.

Daniela said...

marta, i've been reading your blog for quite some time now and i'm so often touched by just the perfect words you find.
this time, there are just no perfect words. i'm incredibly sorry for your loss, especially as i'm also pregnant in week 13. i just want to let you know that you reach and touch people all over the world and i'm thankful for the insights you gave me and all of the other readers.
you and your family are on my mind.
love from germany

Emmy said...

Thank you so much for your courage in sharing this with us. I know from my own experience that God often seems to bless others through us when we are brave and honest. I pray you & your husband will be blessed in it.

Christine said...

marta & family,
i am so very sorry for your loss. thank you for sharing your story for other women that may also have suffered. thoughts are with you.
christine

Megan said...

Marta,
I am so sad and sorry for your loss. My most loving wishes to you and your husband. I cannot begin to imagine the pain you are feeling; please do not discredit your pain. It is right to grieve. It's true, it can make you feel a little better when you know there are others in the world with deep troubles too. You are not alone; but the pain you feel is unique to you. My 4 losses have taught me this. It's ok to grieve and to feel. As my favorite passage from Ecclesiastes says: "A time to mourn and a time to dance." In this difficult time, not only is God holding your hand, but your family, friends, and strangers all over the world are too. Much love and hugs.

The Schoonmakers said...

Dear sweet Marta. I am so very sorry for your loss. I pray that you and Dan will continue to find healing and comfort as you travel this road. Know that you have touched and inspired many lives through your words and we are all praying, thinking, and holding you up.

itziar said...

Marta, i am so sorry to read this.
my thoughts are with you and your family.

Karen said...

you are so brave to share your story. i am immensely sorry for your loss. sending positive thoughts your way for happier times for your family soon.

Heed said...

Min,
That comment from Country Girl about the "Sternenkinder"... is that the cutest thought ever? I love that. How sweet!
Perfect passage.

Ginnie said...

Thinking of you...

katy said...

Oh Marta, so sorry to hear your story. Lots of hugs from Benji will do the trick in time, I'm sure. Hang in there, I can tell you are a tough cookie!

Sara said...

Oh no Marta, I'm so sorry. Thank you for sharing, beautifully put into words. I hope next time you share pregnancy news they will be happy news!

Megan Kossove said...

Marta~ my heart hurts for your loss. There are no words I could offer or share that would take the pain and sadness away. Please know I pray for you, Dan & Benji and your little star in the sky. Thank you for sharing.

Danielle said...

Thank you for being honest and brave enough to share your story. I am sorry for your loss and you and your family are in my heart and thoughts. Take care.

country girl said...

It's me again....just stopping by to tell you I'm thinking of you, and holding your hand.

xo

Type A Chronicles said...

Marta-
I lost my first two babies too. I finally did succeed in delivering a helathy boy and am expecting another (this will be it!). For being such a "common" thing, people sure don't talk about it and THAT is what made it most difficult for me. I think we survivors should get together and put together a teaching film or a "what to expect when" book b/c the first time I was told to go home and let nature take it's course... I had NO idea whatsoever what to expect and it was like a horror film. The second time I actually had to have surgery to remove the baby. Both times were horrible and as much as I wanted to talk about it I didn't want to talk about it. It was all a very confusing time. I still want to make something positive out of it all... so the next new mother doesn't have to do it in the dark or alone.

ANyway... I am very sorry for your loss and for all the mothers out there that have lost a baby. There are no words to express the sadness, but only the comfort of knowing that God does have a plan.

If you ever want to talk about it, just email me....

love, and hugs...
Christine

deborah said...

Thank you for writing about your experience. I'm sure it was so difficult but I'm also sure that you have helped many people. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Missy said...

Hi Marta - My hear aches for you and for your husband.

I am 37 years old and happily married but I have had two miscarriages and for the past 3 years I haven't been able to get pregnant again.

The words you used to describe the experience rang so true for me on so many levels. Especially, when you mentioned, "the club."

It's true...unless you've experienced a miscarriage, there is no way you can relate to that kind of grief and pain.

You are an AMAZING woman, Marta with SO many god given talents. Writing definitely being one of them. I have a feeling that your being able to write about it coupled with your faith in God - it will bring you to a place of peace. From the bottom of my heart, thank you for sharing your story.

Malissa

Never That Easy said...

Marta -
What a touching post, about such a tragic event. I'm so very sorry for you and your family, and wish I could offer you anything more than my very best wishes & deepest sympathy.

Ronda said...

Marta: My heart just breaks for you and Dan. Scott & I feel so much love for you and your family. We feel that you are part of our family. We are so greatful for a dear Father in Heaven that loves us and knows our hurts and sorrows. Please know that we are here for you and love all of you.

Katie H said...

I am glad you shared your experience, and happier still that so many have come out in support of you. See? You have a lot of fans, Marta. Even people like me, who you've never met, but admire you from all the way across the country. Fingers crossed that the blue-ness will lift, little by little, day by day. I say too, take your time. We each heal in our own way, and you should take care of yourself right now (& your boys, of course). Love you.

Kathy said...

I am so sorry. I, too, know what you are going through. Bless you for so beautifully putting into words your feelings and faith. So many lives have been touched by your shining example.

BeeHive said...

Marta, I am so sorry for your loss. My heart breaks for you.

NSMOM said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I hope your body and heart heal soon.

Kari said...

Dearest. My thoughts are with you. Prayers, too. For a swift recovery, both body and spirit.

A Toast to Kos said...

I am so sorry, Marta. I have never experienced this tragedy, but women close to me have. I'm so sorry. God bless! You're a courageous woman and you keep a beautiful blog and bless lots of lives with it.

Love from NYC.

whit said...

Marta you always amaze me..this was a tough one for you to write!! You are strong and wonderful!! Love you lots

Christina said...

I'm so sorry for the loss of your child but thank you for sharing your story.

kami @ no biggie said...

Marta- I'm so sorry for your loss, I know it all too well. Your sad experience was so beautifully written. You are a very strong woman, and I'm so glad so many are able to show you support. It is such a heartbreaking thing.

M said...

i don't know you and you don't know me, but i feel as if i've gotten to know you through your wonderful blog. you will be in my prayers. i'm so sorry.

Amanda said...

I am so sorry for your loss.

Your strength is incredible and truly inspiring.

Kelly said...

oh, marta. i'm so very sorry for your loss. but thank you a million times over for sharing what countless women go through and cannot put words to. you're a strength and inspiration to us all.

xo
Kelly

Lori said...

It was very courageous of you to share this way. I am so sorry for your loss and have prayed for you and your family.

megpies said...

Thank you so much for sharing Marta. I am so deeply saddened over your loss. Praying for you and your family!

Marne said...

what a moving post. thank you for sharing. I'm sure it was difficult. much comfort sent your way.

Sassy Sarah said...

It takes courage to get out those feelings and acknowledge them. You are exactly right... Heavenly Father provides these struggles for us to learn and grow. AND, as you alluded to, to help and relate to others in their times of need. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

Andrea said...

Thank you so much for sharing. I went through a miscarriage as well almost 2 years ago to the day (July 10, 2008). Your words express my feelings and thoughts even better than mine did at the time. I am once again moved to tears and so thankful for the healing place God has brought me to today. Only a few days ago I celebrated the first birthday on our second daughter. As I look at my family today I still can't quite understand everything but I know without a doubt that this was God's plan for our little family; and I trust Him.

Sue said...

I thought of this when I read your blue post and was hoping and aching that it was something else. Thinking of you and your family was you heal.

Cat said...

I consider mylself as part of the club also, even if I was only 5 weeks along when I lost the baby. I felt sad when I say other mothers with their children, even if I already had another child of my own.
I had the chance to conceive again. Julia is now 15 months.
I too was hoping that this wasn't going to be the subject of the awaited post. I would have rather you didn't join this club. I now hope you get the same chance I got and have many more children.
Thank you for writing this post.

lala said...

Oh Marta, I'm so sorry.

melanie said...

How cathartic it must be to write down the details, and so eloquently at that. Your words are a gift, and you are so strong for sharing this. Thank you.

Love.Peace.Happiness said...

You and your family are in my prayers then and now! May God continue to hold you in His arms and give you peace at this difficult time! Peace, Daphne

Maggie said...

I really wanted to thank you so much for sharing this, Marta. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family during this difficult time.

Melody said...

Thanks so much for sharing your story. I've never been through a miscarriage, but your experience helps me understand what it feels like, and empathize with my friends who have.

leni said...

my thoughts and prayers are with you. and while i have never lost a child, i was three years old when my mother had a miscarriage and i lost my little brother. i never got another little brother ... but two fantastic little sisters instead. [i used to dress my youngest sister in boy clothes and call her Christopher when she was a toddler!] just surround yourself with life's current blessings and focus on the positive. you're a strong woman who will get past this. big hugs from california.

Britt said...

I just want to give a big massive hug through the screen :-( I am feeling your pain. I only just last week blogged about miscarriage. It has taken me nearly 8 months to actually get my feelings out.
Please take care and know that you are not alone with your feelings.
xxx

lynn said...

Marta - I am so sorry for your loss. I know all too well there is nothing anyone can say to take away the feeling of emptiness and loss that you feel.

I have 3 beautiful children, but last Wednesday I lost my little one at 15 weeks. Unfortunately I have been through this too many times, though that does not help. I have taken comfort in this passage - http://www.babycatcher.net/excerpt2.html

I truly believe it as I did finally get my Spirit Baby 2 years ago after 5 losses - and she is truly special. I hope to have this new spirit baby, but if it was not meant to be, I know there will be another loving family to take good care of them. I hope it brings you even a little moment of peace.

I will be praying for you and your family.

Laurel said...

I don't even know what to say. I am so sorry. I can not imagine what you are going through. thank you for sharing your story.

Nessa said...

having been through 2 miscarriages my heart breaks for you.

both of mine happened before I knew what being a mommy feels like - before we had our little girl. knowing now how amazing these little ones are - tears fall for you and your family.

hang on - hold on to those you love and know that you are not alone

oh, hello friend. said...

dearest marta, i am in tears as i've read your post. my heart is deeply saddened for your loss. i cannot offer any words of comfort, as i don't think there are any words that can comfort you.
only that you will be in my prayers sweet friend. i pray that God would life you up in His arms and carry you that you would feel His peace and comfort. very sorry, and we are all here for you.

Jessie said...

You've expressed yourself so beautifully here, as always. Sending you the warmest hug.

ilene @ muchloveilly said...

marta, will be keeping you in my prayers. thank you for this beautiful and honest piece.

jora said...

marta...i am so sorry you are going through this. you are strong and smart to face it and write about it. sending much love your way.... jora

kaela d. said...

oh marta...i can't imagine what you, your family, and even friends are going through. just know that there are so many that love you in person and through the internet and know that you have the strength and character to move forward in love and loss. you are an incredible mother with a heart so very huge...sending hugs from colorado and hopes that you make it through this tough time with love and comfort <3 xo

MarjnHomer said...

when you said "but i have always known that God does not give us challenges without accompanying it with adequate strength to bear it", this is something we believe in Islam. That after Hardship comes ease. it will take time..

burritos mama said...

*hugs* from afar!!! i cry with you!

vera kate said...

Hello, Marta...

I have lost two babies to the "common" trauma of miscarriage. It is a different kind of club, isn't it? And one we never imagined belonging to. Feel whatever you feel, and don't let anyone tell you it's not the right thing, or that you're taking too much time. I hope that your writing has been cathartic for you, and I pray for peace and comfort, for you and your family.


At the risk of sounding like spam, I also want to give you a link to a site that has helped me alot in dealing with my losses. It's called Glow in the Woods, and it's a place for babylost parents to share and grieve together, a place where everyone, unfortunately, knows exactly what you are going through.

http://www.glowinthewoods.com/discussion/

Kristyn Knits said...

I'm so sorry for your loss.
thinking of you...

Kerry said...

Hugs from a stranger and fellow mother in Portland. Your grief is beautifully expressed.

kate said...

I just discovered your blog today from the link on You Are My Fave.

I just wanted to say that I'm very sorry for your loss. My boyfriends sister experienced three miscarriages before she finally carried their first child to full term. I'm not exaggerating when I say that they, more than anyone else I know, deserve a healthy baby. Their baby boy will be turning one in August. He is absolutely adorable and the happiest baby ever. I guess I just wanted to tell you this story to give you hope and encouragement

happy moments said...

I'm very sorry about your miscarriage. I've been there three times and I can perfectly understand how it feels and how much it hurts. You did the best thing writing about it. It's a great relief. I can't tell you that it'll get over soon. You're going to remember it for the rest of your life, but with less pain. So remain strong. keep on going, your family, we, people who read you, need you.
you're the best. hold on.

Anonymous said...

Martha as much as I sit down it, I don't have words to give him love, I am a two year-old boy's mom and some months ago I had to make myself an abortion but with a lot of pain I have to say it, it was programmed, the economic resources and something of personal problems didn't allow us to have another son so recent of the first one (eight months after Julian's birth), it is very difficult to have this feeling in my and it is the first time that I speak of it, I hope God forgives me some day and the wants this way it for that you that something that God doesn't like it was. But likewise I think the people that if they can and he/she wants, but for some reason things that impede it happen.

I send you a hug and although what is is not very pleasant you believe me of heart that I am a good person and that I go he/she is necessary to pray a lot for you for that you are brilliant.

Ana said...

Thank you for sharing. This is so honest and so raw, I wish I could give you a hug.

Abigail said...

Consider this a virtual hug across the internet. I'll keep your beautiful family in my prayers.

J+S said...

Marta,

Thought we have never met, I wanted to comment and tell you how much I admire you. Your blog is a highlight. You are so genuine, taltented, and beautiful. My heart aches for you, and I know that the Master who marks the fall of a sparrow is mindful of you, too.

Peace, love, and healing thoughts to you.

~Jenifer

Alissa said...

I'm sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing, both for yourself and for others who don't have the words to say it themselves.

Ashley said...

Marta, I had tears in my eyes as I read this account about your miscarriage. I am so sorry. My heart breaks for you. I have not been through this myself but I want you to know that I sympathize. I admire your faith. Thank you for sharing this with us. I think you are amazing.

Pink Panda said...

Marta,

I too had the same loss when I was 8 weeks along this past April. I have been following your blog off and on and missed this post until you mentioned it today. I am so sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
I know you somehow. I went to BYU from 1996-2005 and then was in SLC in 2006. Was it from then?

Megan Hulihan Abbott

Emily said...

Thinking of you and your family Marta. My heart hurts for you but is also encouraged that your faith is so strong - even as you walk through this experience.

Shelley Trbuhovich said...

one of the most beautiful things that was said to me when we lost our first baby at 10 weeks was that one day we will meet that little one again and they will thank us for loving it so much. even after the birth some years later of my two beautiful boys, i remember with love and sadness my precious little one who didn't make it to earth. bless you, marta, thank you for sharing your grief with us. i never grow tired of reading the emotional fallout of miscarriage. x

Alisha Stamper | Photographer said...

so beautifully written. the full spectrum of our emotional abilities. thank you. i especially liked the treatment you gave to it being "common"

Smyrna Townie said...

Marta, I love reading your blog and am deeply sorry for your loss. I suffered a miscarriage last year with my first at 10 weeks. No success on having another yet and I don't think a day goes by when I don't think about it. Your words so eloquently describe the feelings. I chose not to say anything on my blog because I couldn't find the words. You are so inspring! Will be thinking of you.

amy said...

praying for you and your family marta. i love you, i really do. i guess when i sing "lead me, guide me, walk beside me," i never imagine the path we're walking on to be "rough terrain." as a child, all i knew were well-kept, paved sidewalks on mostly flat ground. oh how i wish your rough terrain to be over soon. i love you dearly.

Senja said...

Martha, You are an inspiration. I am sorry for your loss and spread a few tears after reading this. I hope your body & soul will heal fast. Thank you for being so open.

the Hawks said...

Dear Marta,

I just returned home after weeks away and caught up with your blog.

I'm so sorry.

Jordan said...

I'm delurking to tell you how terribly sorry I am.

Thank you for telling your story so courageously. When I had my miscarriage, I was desperate to talk about it, and devastated when many of those who I hold most dear barely acknowledged our loss. I don’t have a blog, so I had no outlet for my thoughts. I think talking about it as you have can bring a bit of healing, both to you and to those who read your post and have gone through something similar.

I've since had a beautiful girl, but not a day goes by that I don't think about our baby who is with God. Your precious one was very real and will always be in your heart and on your mind.

Here's a quote I like, from Dr. Seuss of all people: “Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened." I'm trying to focus on celebrating the precious weeks I did have with my baby.

I pray for God's healing peace to fill your entire family.

Susie said...

I am so sorry for your loss. But I am glad you shared the experience with us in this beautifully written entry. You put in to words what so many of us have experienced, myself included. I wish you the best.

katrina lauren said...

dearest marta,
i am deeply sorry for the loss of your sweet baby and i cry for you. the way you expressed your experience was beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time...the emotion; raw & real. i am so sad for you Marta and for your boys too...and i send you all prayers, healing thoughts and love.
{hugs}
xo.
k
-i will never forget how your kinds words helped me through the difficult time that last year brought me...and i thank you.

Barb McMahon said...

This post brings back memories from twenty years ago.

What I remember most from that time was the kindness. The nurses in the hospital, my mother and mother-in-law, all sorts of people reaching out in love and kindness. The pain heals, your tears dry. The kindness remains forever.

I am so sorry for your loss.

Carola Bartz said...

Dear Marta, this is the first time that I am visiting your blog and while reading through some of the posts I realized that you must have had a miscarriage - it seems that one senses that when having gone through that, too. So I found this post.
I am so sorry for your loss. I guess (hope) that writing about it has helped you with your grief. It is a long way. I had a stillborn baby and after that two miscarriages - it is heartbreaking.
I wish for you that you'll find joy again - I'm so glad that you have your little boy. I have a daughter, and she's the biggest gift in my life.
I'm thinking of you and will come back.

Annie H said...

I just learned of this post from another post you just posted.

First, I am so sorry for your loss! As others have said, this is a club that I wish no one else had to join. The pain is so real and I pray that you continue to find peace, comfort and strength as the days pass. We have lost 2 little angels before going on to having 2 more little boys.

Praying for you and your family!

Annie H said...

I just learned of this post from another post you just posted.

First, I am so sorry for your loss! As others have said, this is a club that I wish no one else had to join. The pain is so real and I pray that you continue to find peace, comfort and strength as the days pass. We have lost 2 little angels before going on to having 2 more little boys.

Praying for you and your family!

sarah said...

lovely.

afinley said...

Hi, Marta, a friend referred me to your site recently, and though I love every bit of it, I gravitated immediately to the "unnamed" section, knowing what I would find. My husband and I just lost our first baby (a son) at 17.5 weeks last month. It's something I don't know how to write about yet, so maybe for that reason, I found comfort in your own writing, though I wouldn't wish this experience on anyone. I'm so sorry you were only able to know your child so briefly. Thank you for sharing your heart.

Ron said...

Dear Marta

I know this entry has been such a long time ago, and I hope you are doing great in God's love and ways.

Thank you for sharing your story on your blog. Frankly, I am going through a trial so miniscule compared to yours, and yet, it seemed to consume me. After reading what you have gone through, it made me realise how insignificant mine is, and I know I can garner strength to continue my work.

I pray that God will continue to shine His light on you and your family, and may His love continue to be made known to everyone through your words and your thoughts.

Thank you for the story. I am encouraged by your strength, and it has inspired me to remain strong to go through my current challenge. God bless you!

Anonymous said...

Dear Marta,

I stumbled upon your blog this morning --- and then stumbled upon this entry. It was beautifully written and perfectly expressed the pain and sadness associated with losing an unborn child. I have been blessed with three beautiful children - each born healthy and strong. But sadly, I also lost three children in miscarriages.

Thinking back to my miscarriages, I remember most the feelings of emptiness. Where there was once life and hope, there was suddenly only emptiness. Physically and emotionally, I just felt empty. Those were very difficult times.

It sounds as though your are blessed with a wealth of friends and loved ones. I hope that in this past year you've been able to come to terms with your loss and have bravely moved forward. One cannot understand the mysteries in life. You just need to have faith in God and believe that all happens as it should.

In my first pregnancy, I gave birth to a beautiful son without incident. Thus, the miscarriages came as an unpleasant surprise. After each miscarriage, I was hesitant to try for more children. I honestly felt bruised and beaten. But, with faith and hope, we tried again. We ended up having two gorgeous and healthy baby girls. Life is truly beautiful after all. My hope is that in the next life we will get to hold those babies that we did not get to hold in this life.

Wishing you and your family the best.

j.

Anonymous said...

Marta - I've read and loved your blog for some time now, and was saddened to hear of your miscarriage. However, it recently took on new meaning as I went through one myself. I just wanted to quickly let you know what an impact your posts on miscarriage have had on me. Thank you, thank you for being willing to write about it, as a voice for those of us who can only cry right now.

Rick and Lynn said...

Marta, thank-you for your beautiful post.. I found it through my daughter who has recently experienced a miscarriage, as I have. I am a nurse, and worked labor and delivery early in my career. After my miscarriage I did a lot of reading about the grieving process; how mothers losing children stillborn should hold them and thereby grieve for something tangible. In miscarriage it is harder, because we grieve for a fantasy, not so well-defined. There is a poem written by Emma Lou Thayne, called "To My Stillborn Child" that I found after delivering my next child. Even then, with a new baby in my arms, I cried and cried for that baby I had lost 2 years previously, as I read it. Tears help, tho, to process the grief, to give it a name and substance. I came to realize that my experience had helped me to learn empathy. I have given copies of the poem to many common sufferers; may it help you as well..

Anonymous said...

Hi Marta, I was SO touched by your account on such a tragic event. All I can say (as I went through 2 miscarriages before I had my 2 boys) is that you should give yourself time to mourn the loss and talk about what has happened to you. Also, bear in mind that your husband will also need support since he has also lost a child. My prayers are with you and your lovely family. God bless.

Tanya said...

I don't remember when I found your blog, but only today I found your category "miscarriage". It is two years this month that we started trying for another baby...minus the "blighted ovum" pregnancy I lost about 18 months ago. I have been blessed with two wonderful, healthy children and never expected to be here. I have never shared my story on my public blog but I sincerely appreciate those who do. Thank you for being brave enough to share. Congratulations on your new little one. :) I am truly happy for you!

Emily said...

Sorry for your loss. :( Thanks for sharing your story and your faith. I've had two miscarriages and often felt like there was no one to talk to about it.

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